Ross: Happy birthday!
Monica: Happy birthday!
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: It's your birthday!
Chandler: She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don't use the words old or downhill or they still look pretty damn good.
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
Ross: We've got presents!
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
Joey: Why God? ! Why? ! We had a deal! Let the others grow old! Not me!
Rachel: Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, it's not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn't that much fun.
Joey: And now Chandler! We're all getting so old! Why are you doing this to us? !
Monica: Rach, you're in a great place in your life. Come on, you've got a great job! Good friends.
Joey: Yeah, you're roommate is a soap opera star.
Monica: Your character is in a coma.
Chandler: I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry at this one.
Rachel: Look, you know I know my life's going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who've accomplished so many other goals by the time they're thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That's it! That's everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay! And girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean.
Tag: Come on, let's have some fun. Huh? What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I don't want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I have a child!
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh? !
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That's not what this is about okay? I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: I don't know, but look how shiny!
Monica: I can't believe you bought this. So can I have a ride, stud?
Ross: Hop in. Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
Ross: Damn it.
Phoebe: Okay, who's next?
Rachel: You know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe: Really? ! because you know that hurts.
Rachel: So what? ! You know what? The way I see it. Ow! Son of a bitch!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica: Rach for what it's worth, I think that you're doing great. I mean you know let's face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Chandler: Would you put that back on? ! Monica's gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
Mrs. Geller: You've done a wonderful job with this party. Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! And you! I can't believe that you would have a tux that's thirty years old!
Mr. Geller: It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Rachel: Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She's coming!
Chandler: Everybody down! Everybody down!
Chandler: Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what's going on.
Monica: Hey! You got the door open!
Chandler: Hey, are you drunk?
Monica: No! Okay. Whoa! Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning thirty. So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, here's the thing. We're gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you're drunk.
Monica: Really? ! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much.
Chandler: Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica: What about your breath? !
Chandler: That's still yours. Okay, now remember it's a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Ross: Okay, forward. Forward. Stop! Okay, back...Stop! Okay, for...Stop! Stop! Stop!
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Okay, I'm gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. Haul ass!
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! It's for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because it's our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no we're not thirty. We're 31. Okay.
Ursula: Oh, it's you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What? !
Ursula: Yeah, we're not thirty, we're 31.
Ursula: That's what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: Right! Okay.
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: That's my first name.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
Chandler: Look down. We made it across the room. You're doing great.
Phoebe: What's going on?
Chandler: Monica's a little drunk.
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica! Oh, she's so much more fun than regular Monica.
Chandler: She doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk.
Phoebe: Oh! All right! All right. Here's what we'll do, I'll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one's will even notice her.
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: Monica's wasted.
Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler: Okay, will you just go help her change please!
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Tag: This one's from me. It wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's really fun.
Rachel: A scooter!
Ross: Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Rachel: No! No, no, I love it. Thank you.
Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
Joey: Now that you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: Okay. Happy birthday Grandma! It's better to be over the hill then buried under it. All our love Monica and Chandler. That's funny, yeah!
Chandler: No no no no! That was the joke!
Rachel: No, I know! I get it! It's funny!
Chandler: Because you're not a grandmother.
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny.
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
Rachel: Okay! You know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids.
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying. I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I'm 35. which gives me five years. So, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant.
Monica: Really! That long? ! Look all you want, it's happening!
Rachel: No, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's three years, that's three whole years. Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged. Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! According to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
Joey: Will you quit hogging it!
Rachel: I'm telling you it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross: You're drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be mad! Maybe I'm a little drunk.
Joey: Hey! Are those crab cakes? Did I not tell you to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler: How are you feeling?
Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now!
Ross: I really wish that you wouldn't.
Chandler: Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don't talk to anyone.
Phoebe: Speech! Speech! Let's hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Phoebe: Don't you see? Everyone's looking at me! The plan's working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet!
All: Speech! Come on Monica! Come on! Come on! Speech!
Mr.Geller: Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs.Geller: Oh-ho, I think it's nice.
Chandler: I think it's necessary.
Monica: I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends.
Monica: I really like to say that I'm…
Monica: You know what I'd really like to say? I'm drunk! That's right mom and dad. Your little Harmonica is hammered! And guess what! I've been drunk before! And I've smoked a cigarette! You know what! You know what! It's all okay. It's okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up.
Phoebe: Okay quick, help me get this off!
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can't believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey: Come on, Pheebs, it'll be okay.
Phoebe: Will it? Will it? ! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey: That's not gonna happen. No. Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Joey: Like what?
Phoebe: Like okay. I haven't met any Portuguese people! I, I haven't had the perfect kiss! And I haven't been to sniper's school!
Monica: Phoebe, you know why don't we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I'll see you guys later. Thanks.
Rachel: Oh, poor Pheebs.
Joey: Hey, you know what you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home.
Monica: Oh man!
Monica: He's gonna eat the cake!
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! Listen, close your eyes.
Joey: That's one thing you can cross off your list.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Joey: Oh, and plus I'm 1/16th Portuguese.
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We're gonna pick it up and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We're gonna lift the car and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel: Ross, I really don't think…
Ross: Lift! And slide!
Chandler: Okay, here we go.
Ross: All right everyone, lift! And slide!
Rachel: Hey Joey.
Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I'm not your mother.
Rachel: Not in the street!
Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Rachel: Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm…let's talk.
Tag: What's up?
Rachel: Oh Tag, you're such a great guy and we have so much fun together but I don't…
Tag: Wait! I think I see where you're going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing?
Rachel: Well said. And a good example of the fun I was referring to, but I just think I'm past the point where I think I can you know, just have fun.
Tag: Rachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning thirty.
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you're just a kid! I mean you're 25!
Tag: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel: Oh God! You know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
Tag: Me too.
Rachel: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Chandler: Hey! How'd it go?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: I don't like this anymore.
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Ross: Do you realize in ten years we're gonna be 40?
Joey: Why God? ! Why are you doing this to us? !
Ross: Yes! My baby's finally free!
Joey: All right! Start it up! Let's go!
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we?
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
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