我聽說你升級了
So, I hear that you've upgraded,
而且你現在擁有了我已經有了好幾年的
and now you have all the normal, regular features
這些正常而規律的特徵
that I have had for years.
是的 我們只是機會之窗
Yep, we're nothing but windows of opportunity.
雖然這可能不是電腦的說法
And although it may not be PC to say so,
但我覺得我們終於…
I like to think that we've finally...
解決了所有的故障
fixed all the bugs.
保重
Gesundheit.
不好意思 那不是病毒 那不是病毒
Excuse me. That's not a virus. That's not a virus.
我很確定它不是病毒
I am sure that it's not a virus.
雖然 說實話 我其實不確定
Although, to be fair, I have no idea
因爲我從來沒有感染過病毒
because I have never had a virus.
- 所以… - 你爲什麼要做一個
- So... - Why do you have to be
如此傲慢的混♥蛋♥？
such a condescending douche bag?
嗯… 我…
Um, I--
我 我 我 它總是我這樣我那樣
I, I, I. It's "I" this and "I" that.
啵
Boop.
也許這一次我們應該別再把“我”還有
Maybe it is time we stopped talking about "I" all the time,
機會之窗掛在嘴邊了
and windows of opportunity.
還有人記得人們依然比
Anybody else remember when people were smart
手♥機♥智能的時候嗎
and phones were stupid?
今年秋天派將推出一款會
This fall, Pi is gonna launch a new phone
改變一切的新手♥機♥
that'll change things forever.
今天我們已經準備好給你帶來
We're ready to bring you what you wanted
你昨天想要爲今天準備的東西
yesterday for tomorrow today.
派 智能手♥機♥ 給智慧的人
Pi. Smart phones for smarter people.
你真的想在廣♥告♥裏說“混♥蛋♥”這個詞嗎
Do you really want to say "douche bag" in the ad?
我沒有說“混♥蛋♥”
I don't say "douche bag."
是那個穿着廉價西裝的傢伙說的
The guy in the cheap suit says "douche bag."
貝蒂 有來電嗎？
Betty, any calls?
波諾問你還要不要去
Bono wants to know if you're still good
非洲旅行
for the trip to Africa.
告訴他我還沒找到我一直在找的東西
Tell him I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
達♥賴♥喇♥嘛♥
The Dalai Lama.
你今天下午還在冥想嗎？
Are you still on for meditation this afternoon?
勸他靜下心來 答案就在內心
Advise him to still his mind. The answer lies within.
總統問
The president is asking,
我們能不能把會議改到週末去白宮開
can we move the meeting to the White House this weekend?
當然 完美 大衛營的蚊子太煩人了
Yes, perfect. Mosquitoes at Camp David are a bitch.
糟透了
Terrible.
比爾蓋茨發來了一個電子郵件
Bill Gates sent an email
上面簡單地回覆了一個 “無♥恥♥”
that simply reads, "Cheeky."
說得好
Fair enough.
告訴他我想要回我的20塊錢
Tell him I want my 20 bucks.
莎拉·羅素打電♥話♥來
Sarah Russell called
問你有關今晚高中同學20週年聚會的事
about your 20-year high school reunion tonight.
等等 等等 等等 什麼20週年
Wait, wait, wait. Twenty-year what now?
20週年聚會 太棒了
Twenty-year reunion. This is great.
我們可以讓所有人看看我們不再是樂色了
We'll show everyone we're not losers anymore.
格雷格 我們從來都不是樂色
Greg, we were never losers.
呃 是 我們曾經是
Uh, yeah, we were.
但是這現在重要了 不是嗎
But that doesn't matter now, right?
噢 我明白了
Oh, I get it.
聽着 沒有什麼好緊張的
Look, it's nothing to be nervous about.
會很有趣的 你知道嗎
It could be a lot of fun, you know?
緊張？ 我爲什麼會因爲
Nervous? Why would I be nervous
那些我20年都沒見過了的人而緊張？
about people we haven't seen in 20 years?
夥計們？
Guys?
不 不
No! No!
需要我打電♥話♥取消嗎？
Do you want me to call and cancel?
嗯 是的 麻煩你 告訴他們我病了
Uh, yes, please. Tell them I'm sick.
拜託 你上次十週年聚會也是用的這個藉口
Come on, you used that one for the ten year.
貝蒂 這次聚會莎拉有什麼想法嗎？
Betty, what did Sarah want about the reunion?
她爲什麼打電♥話♥來？
Why was she calling?
我覺得她想要亞當知道
I believe she wanted to let Adam know
達茜·威廉姆斯問過他要不要去
that Darcie Williams was asking if he was going to be there.
達茜·威廉姆斯？
Darcie Williams?
是的 達茜·威廉姆斯
Yes, Darcie Williams.
我愛她
I love her.
高中：一個自尊
High school: where self-esteem,
純真和夢想都會消逝的地方
innocence, and dreams go to die.
在這個難以忍♥受的煉獄裏面 我們既沒有小到仍然可以做小孩
The insufferable purgatory of being too old to be a kid,
又沒有大到可以當成年人
too young to be an adult.
把所有那些要度過
The entire concept of placing all of those
尷尬而又意義重大的青春期 並最終進入一個巨大
going through their awkward, formative years of puberty
而又充滿自我懷疑與焦慮
into one giant institution of self-doubt,
不得不時刻曲意逢迎的社會中的年輕人都聚在一起
forced pseudo-social structure, and anxiety,
這簡直就是非同尋常而又殘酷的折磨
it's a cruel and unusual punishment.
更糟糕的是 每隔幾年都要以奇怪的
Even worse, this bizarre ritual of needing to get together
聚會形式來提醒我們不要
every couple of years as a reminder
忘記那段受傷的時光
of these traumatizing times.
這是來自過去的一記重拳
It's a blast from the past.
近乎瘋狂
Borders on insanity.
我在九歲的時候生了一場大病
When I was nine years old, I got really sick.
我在醫院住了六個星期
I spent six weeks in the hospital
整個大腸都被切除了
and had my entire large intestine taken out.
這是我一生中最痛苦的事情之一
It was one of the most traumatic events in my entire life.
然而我從來沒有過和
And yet I've never felt the urge to get together
那些護士 患者 或者醫生聚在一起
with the other nurses, patients, or doctors
並藉此回憶過去美好的時光的衝動
and reminisce about the good old days.
我討厭高中生活
I hated high school.
高中生活也討厭我
High school hated me.
用史蒂芬·金先生的不朽名言來說
In the immortal words of Mr. Stephen King,
我討厭高中生活
"I hated high school.
我不相信任何一個回憶往事的人
I don't trust anyone who looks back on
會帶着愉悅的心情回憶14到18歲的時光
the years of 14 to 18 with any enjoyment.
如果你爲自己的青少年時光感到高興
If you liked being a teenager,
那麼你一定有什麼毛病
there's definitely something wrong with you."
重返校園
- 派先生 - 嘿 哈皮
- Mr. Pi. - Hey, Happy.
貝蒂 我要給汽車的最新
Betty, I'm gonna render the graphics
測試版操作系統畫圖紙
for the latest beta version of the OS from the car.
貝蒂 請隔離信♥號♥♥ 把數據加密
Uh, Betty, isolate the signal and encrypt the data, please.
你知道的 這是最具革命性的發佈產品
You know, this is the most revolutionary launch
- 因爲它是觸摸屏 - 是啊 讓我們保護好它
- since the touchscreen. - Yeah, so let's protect it.
好
Okay.
是什麼讓這些使我如此緊張？
What is it about these people that make me so nervous?
我的舌頭都打結了
I'm tongue-tied already.
你只要記住這個關鍵詞——“讓我們狂歡吧”
Just remember these key words-- "Let's party."
振作 這是我們的夜晚
Come on, this is our night.
- 那是件新襯衫嗎？ - 對 是不是很酷？
- Is that a new shirt? - Yeah, cool shirt, right?
想想看 我們又要見到安迪和丹尼斯了
Just think, we're gonna get to see Andy and Dennis again.
沒錯 還有約翰·弗農 特雷弗·傑克遜
Yeah, and John Vernon, Trevor Jackson.
他們現在可能已經成熟了 對吧？
They've probably matured by now, right?
打擾一下 你能幫解決一下我和我的朋友們的賭局嗎？
Excuse me, will you settle a bet for me and my friends?
你覺得這是做男朋友的好材料嗎？
Does this feel like boyfriend material to you?
- 惡 - 你是百合嗎？
- Ew. - Are you a lesbian?
因爲我一個人只能說話 但是我們倆就可以做些別的
Because I can just talk and we can scissor.
走開 夜店迷♥奸♥犯
Back off, date rape.
你不是差不多100年前和我媽約會過嗎？
Didn't you, like, date my mom 100 years ago or something?
我沒那麼老
I'm not that old.
不 我是認真的 你跟我媽約會過
No, seriously. You dated my mom.
你們今晚不去參加你們的聚會嗎？
Aren't you guys going to your reunion later tonight?
達爾西·威廉姆斯？
Darcie Williams?
沒錯
Yeah.
她是我媽
She's my mom.
我才17歲 你這個戀童癖
I'm 17, you pedophile.
她之前給我看過她班級的照片
She was showing me pictures of her class earlier,
當時你們倆還在約會
from when you two were dating.
我想你應該正好穿的也是這件衣服
I think you might be wearing the exact same shirt.
噢 我的天