仔細聽了
Listen closely.
我只剩不到一分鐘的時間告訴你接下來的事情
I've got less than a minute to tell you what you need to know.
收起手♥機♥注意聽
Put your phones away and pay attention.
不然你可能會變成別人的晚餐
Or you could end up as someone's dinner.
這些可都是機密內容
All of this is classified.
額 至少到剛剛之前還是機密
Well, I guess it was, until now.
全國各地開始出現
Isolated cases of a zombie virus
個別的喪屍案例
started popping up around the country.
是的 就是喪屍
Yup. Zombies.
一個祕密機構爲了阻止它的傳播而成立
A small covert agency was formed to quietly contain it...
不論採取任何手段
By any means necessary.
任何
Literally.
我和其他同仁都被招了進來
I was recruited, along with others like me,
因爲我們...
because of our...
我想你也知道 我們有特異功能
I guess you could say, special skills.
後面再介紹我自己吧
More on me later.
我們對病毒依然所知甚少
We still don't know much about the virus,
甚至不知道是怎麼開始的
or how it started.
我們唯一知道的是
All we do know is
它會把人變成喜歡吞噬器官的喪屍
it turns people into zombie freaks who eat all of your organs.
什麼都喫
Even the nasty, ugly ones.
嘔 噁心
Ew. Yuck.
對於所有管不住自己下半身的人
And for all of you who can't keep it in your pants,
做好保護措施吧
use protection.
因爲它是通過性傳播的
Because it's transmitted through sex.
該死的！你太性感了
Damn! You're sexy.
我簡直不敢相信我和學校裏最辣的妹兒勾搭上了
I can't believe I'm hooking up with the hottest girl in school.
我都是你的 傑克·斯蒂芬斯
I'm all yours, Jake Stephens.
你想對我做什麼？
What do you want to do to me?
我真的很想喫掉你
I really wanna eat you.
上吧
Touchdown.
嗷！
Ow!
等等！你在咬我嗎？
Wait! Are you biting me?
抱歉 我做錯什麼了嗎？
Sorry. Am I doing this wrong?
我希望我可以說這是今天發生過的
I wish I could say this was the most disturbing thing
最煩人的事了
to happen to me today.
但還遠不止這樣
But it isn't even close.
別停呀
Don't stop now.
你正準備上枕頭的二壘了呢
You were about to get to second base with your pillow.
不 也不是這個
Nope. That isn't it either.
你在我房♥間裏做什麼
What are you doing in my room?
噁心
Gross.
你要喫你的藥了麼？
Need your morning medicine?
你想來一口麼？
You want a hit?
你真是個好榜樣
You're a great role model.
嗨 爸爸
Hi, Daddy.
我在幫傑克起牀
I was helping Jake get up.
謝謝你 親愛的
Thank you, sweetheart.
你記得你這周參加的那個職業能力測驗嗎？
You know that career aptitude test you took this week?
是的 亞當在他考卷上畫了個陰♥道♥
Yeah, Adam made his sheet look like a vagina.
他的父母一定很驕傲吧
His parents must be proud.
額 結果出來了
Well, the results came in.
我做的怎麼樣
How'd I do?
你沒過
You failed.
職業考試還沒過？
Failed a career test?
你是測試歷史上第一個沒過的人
You're the first person in the history of the test to do it.
你還說亞當的父母會感到驕傲呢
And you thought Adam's parents were proud.
我是認真的 傑克
I'm serious, Jake.
不只是這個測試
It's not just the test.
副校長說你好像提不起興趣
The vice principal said you show no interest
似乎對任何事情都是這樣
or appear to be engaged in anything.
沒有的
That's not true.
我有興趣啊
I have interests.
比如？
Like what?
你知道喫掉她不是那個意思的吧？
You know that's not what eating her out means, right?
嗯
Yeah.
我不覺得你是真心的
I don't think you do.
可憐的夢中阿曼達
Poor dream Amanda.
跟你約會已經夠糟糕了
As if hooking up with you wasn't bad enough.
你們在聊些什麼？
What are you guys talking about?
傑克就算在夢裏都會把和阿曼達的約會搞砸
How Jake can't even dream about nailing Amanda without fucking it up.
如果是我就沒問題
I could.
她到底看上了查茲殺馬特什麼啊？
What the hell does she see in Chazz Slade?
你不喜歡他只是因爲
I mean, you only don't like him 'cause
他總是把你的頭往馬桶裏按
he's always shoving your head in the toilet.
很明顯這就是爲什麼我不喜歡他
Yeah, obviously that's why I don't like him.
嘿！
Hey!
你♥他♥媽♥的在看什麼？
What the fuck are you staring at?
我？我沒看 我和我的朋友們只是在...
Me? I wasn't staring. Me and my friends were just...
只是想搗鼓下我的儲物櫃...
Just trying to get my locker to...
總是打不開
It never opens.
醒目點 別再視奸我女朋友了
Get to it and stop eye fucking my girl.
我不再是你的女朋友了
I'm not your girl anymore.
你的儲物櫃？
Your locker, huh?
嘿 你 呃...
Hey, you know I, uh...
我很認真聽了你早上的課堂演講
I really dug your speech in class this morning.
我只說過一句話啊
The only time I said anything
而且我只是在請假去看醫生
was when I asked to go see the nurse
因爲我肚子疼
because my stomach hurt.
就是那個 我 嗯...
That's the one. I, um...
因爲那時候我的肚子也疼
My stomach's been hurting, too,
所以那時候我真是感同身受
so it really spoke to me.
這個怎麼樣？
How's this for a speech?
放開他！
Let him go!
啊！
Ugh!
查茲 和你聊天很開心 上課見
Nice chatting with you, Chazz. See you in class.
多謝你們拋棄了我
Thanks for bailing on me.
看看費爾南德斯
Check out Fernandez.
他在口袋裏切了個洞 方便他上課的時候手♥淫♥
He cut holes in his pocket so he can jerk off in class.
真♥他♥媽♥是個天才
Kid's a fucking genius.
早上好 同學們
Good morning, students.
今天我們要在課上看一部電影
Today in class we're gonna be watching a movie.
看《太壞了》
Superbad.
好啊
Yeah!
不 不
No, no.
我們要看一部有關不安全性行爲的後果的電影
We're gonna watch a film on the dangers of unsafe sex.
-有露點鏡頭麼？ -別這樣
- We're gonna see some titties? - Now, come on.
這可是美國政♥府♥規定的
This is mandated by the U.S. government
每個年級都要看
for every grade level.
所以我有義務來提醒
So it's my civic duty to insist
大家都用心看看
that you all pay attention.
試着學點東西
Try to learn something.
我實在不想看這個
I'm so not in the mood to watch this.
爲什麼不呢？
Why not?
那天晚上你和那個朋克小妞光着身子乾的好事
You went bareback with that punker chick from Landmines the other night.
噓 噓 噓
Shh, shh, shh.
不！
Oh, no!
我一到家就倒了漱口水在我寶貝上面
I poured Listerine on my junk when I got home.
它可以殺菌
It kills all the germs.
對吧？
Right?
那感覺如何？
How does that feel?
德卡洛先生
Mr. DeCarlo.
你有什麼想和其他同學分享一下嗎？
You have something you wanna share with the rest of the class?
傑克有話要說
Jake does.
你不如來告訴大家
Why don't you tell everyone the story about
你和那個妹子下♥體♥娛樂的故事？
stuffing your unwrapped hotdog in that girl's dirty buns?
好啦 好啦 成熟點
Okay, okay. Come on, come on. Grow up.
電影結束後 還會有個小測驗
After this film, there's gonna be a pop quiz
等下就知道這爲什麼不好笑了
on why that joke's not funny.
好麼？
Okay?