我們經常聽到...
We are often told
"從此幸福快樂" 只會發生在童話故事裏
that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales
或只有涉世未深的白♥癡♥纔會相信
and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents.
但就在波士頓這個豔陽高照的下午
And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon,
會說話的小熊竟然要結婚了
a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend,
這印證了兩件事
proving two things.
人人都可以美夢成真
Happy endings can come true for anyone.
以及美國啥鳥事都有
And America doesn't give a shit about anything.
你 塔米·林恩·麥卡弗蒂...
Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
願意成爲小熊的合法妻子嗎
take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
我願意
I do.
你 泰德...
And do you, Ted,
願意成爲她的合法丈夫嗎
take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
非常好 我願意
Fuckin' A right, I do!
憑藉着我與生俱來的權力
Then, by the power vested in me,
正式宣佈你們結爲夫妻
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
你可以親小熊了
You may kiss the bear.
感謝各位 我們休息片刻
Thank you, folks. We're going to take a short break
接下來交給DJ耐雪德
and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.
各位先生女士 歡迎新人出場
Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
泰德 這是我最開心的一天
Teddy, this is the best day of my life!
我好愛你
I just love you so much.
我也愛你 寶貝
I love you, too, baby.
今晚來演熊熊的五十道陰影
I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight.
給它喝到茫
Let's go get shit-faced!
爽啦
Okay!
謝謝
Thank you.
恭喜你們啊
Hey, congrats, you mofos.
嗨 蓋
Oh, hey, GUY.
婚禮辦得不錯
Beautiful ceremony.
謝謝你來參加
Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it.
他是我的新男友瑞克
Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
你好嗎
How you doing?
好極了
Good, good.
他是五星主廚...
He's a gourmet chef.
所以超會做沙拉[舔屁♥眼♥]的
So he knows how to toss a salad.
其實我們快要結婚[打結]了
Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
你們要結婚了
Oh, you guys are getting married?
不 我們只是要回家把老二綁在一起
No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.
-操♥死♥你 -操♥死♥你
-Ha! Fuck you. -Fuck you.
一言爲定
Deal.
不 不 我說不要滑步舞曲
No! No! I said no Electric Slide.
該死 不要放自己爽的
God damn it, you will not wreck this night
來破壞今晚白佬們開心
with your forced white people group fun.
老兄 你還好吧
Hey, buddy. You okay, there?
你看起來有點不開心
You look a little down.
該不會從單身派對茫到現在吧
Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?
非常好喔
Oh! That's nice.
天啊 有沒有這麼欠操啊
Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!
真的很欠操 上啊 快上啊
She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there.
你們看 她超飢渴的
Look at her. She wants it bad!
假叫餐真約炮吧
Oh, yeah. She wants more than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
它的比一般的熊熊還要大上許多
That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you.
我們不應該在這裏起鬨的
You know what's fucked up?
它也是誰家的女兒好嗎
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
靠 天啊 拜託
Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on!
你知道嗎 強尼 有可能她是他的女兒
You know what, Johnny? It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
那裏的規則就是這樣
That's how it works out there.
我沒事 我只是在想蘿莉
I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori.
強尼 振作點 你離婚都半年了
Oh, Johnny, come on, man. It's been six months since you guys got divorced.
我知道 我只是...
I know, I know. It's just that...
回到同一間結婚教堂
Being back in that church again.
我們明明會很幸福的
I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.
沒錯 你也不是第一位娶錯女生的人
Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.
聽着 今晚別讓她影響你的心情 好嗎
Hey, listen. Don't let her drag you down tonight, okay?
這是一個派對
This is a party.
抱歉 兄弟 我不想搞砸你的大日子
I'm sorry, buddy. I don't mean to mess up your big day.
什麼 別開玩笑了 你不是唯一想搞砸的
What, you kidding? You're not the one messing it up.
看看塔米·林恩在輪椅上的混♥蛋♥兄弟
Check out Tami-Lynn's asshole brother in the wheelchair.
如果不跟我一起跳舞 你就是個怪物
If you don't dance with me, you're a monster.
小心點 你這個沒長眼的
Watch it, you fucking tool!
你的大日子
Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud?
想搞些東西來慶祝嗎
You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm?
不 謝謝 山姆
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
我今天哈草的話 塔米·林恩會殺了我
Tami-Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day.
她不會發現的
Ah, she won't notice.
我纔在男廁跟別人吸了一條
I just did a line with a dude in the men's room
你絕對不知道是在場哪位
and I bet you can't even spot him.
還是算了
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
來幹些爽事吧 可以讓你振作起來
Hey, hey. What do you say we do the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.
-我們來做吧 -就是這樣
-Fuck it, let's do it. -There he is!
注意 各位 請各位看一下這裏好嗎
Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please.
強尼和我準備了非常特別的東西給各位
Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you, here.
讓我們跳吧 各位
Let's have it, fellas!
當你聽見打雷聲
When you hear the sound of thunder
千萬不要害怕
Don't you get too scared
快找雷雷夥伴 然後說咒語
Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words
去你的 雷電
Ho! Fuck you, thunder!
你喫我老二吧
You can suck my dick
你嚇不倒我的
You can't get me thunder
因爲你只是上帝放的屁
'Cause you're just God's farts
耶
Yeah!
我跟寶貝一起跳舞
∮ I'm steppin' out with my honey ∮
喜上眉梢
∮ Can't be bad to feel so good ∮
從未感到如此歡愉
∮ Never felt quite so sunny ∮
但願好運長久...
∮ So I keep on knockin' wood ∮
我跟寶貝一起跳舞
∮ Yeah, steppin' out with my baby ∮
我做了正確的決定
∮ Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right ∮
你問我哪天要定下來
∮ Ask me when will the day be ∮
大概就是今晚
∮ The big day may be tonight ∮
今天是我這輩子最開心的一天
This is the best day of my life!
一年後
我好餓 你到底在幹嘛
I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
我在治療癌症
I'm curing cancer.
我在煎你的牛排 不然我在幹嘛
I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
你在幹嘛
What do I think you're doing?
我認爲你把我們的錢都花光光啊
I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing.
你看這 你看這 你在百貨公♥司♥刷了129元
Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement.
你買♥♥了什麼 金條嗎
What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
上班要穿像樣點的衣服 好嗎
I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?
說什麼傻話
What do you mean?
穿圍裙就好 他媽的收銀員
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
你不也是
Yeah? So are you!
對啊 但我纔沒買♥♥什麼名牌衣服
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit!
當然沒有
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
你只會買♥♥大♥麻♥和毒品 還有臉說
You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs.You should fucking talk!
我本來還在說的 是你打斷我的
I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
我不打斷你 你就會他媽的講到天亮
Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!
-要讓我說完嗎 -你一直打斷我
-Are you gonna let me finish talking? -You're always cutting me off!
要讓我說完嗎
Are you gonna let me finish talking?
-要讓我說完嗎 -上班就是要打扮
-Are you gonna let me finish talking? -It's important to look good at work.
我在公♥司♥很努力的想往上爬
I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here!
沒人去超♥市♥是爲了看你屁♥眼♥
Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
你有夠混♥蛋♥
You're acting like an asshole!
-我有夠怎樣 -你真♥他♥媽♥混♥蛋♥
-Oh, what am I acting like, Tami? -You're acting like a fucking asshole!
你真♥他♥媽♥混♥蛋♥
Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
幹嘛穿得像女明星 明明只是個收銀員
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
我是公♥司♥的門面好嗎
I am the face of the business! Okay?
-公♥司♥的門面 -別跟我講什麼傻話
-The face of the business? -So get the fuck off my case!
天啊 說什麼屁話 你有妄想症
Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
我真該嫁給小勞勃的