Thank you all for coming.
I have prepared a statement which I would now like to read.
In light of recent events
and after a long period of consideration and soul searching,
I have decided that now is the right time for me
to re-evaluate the priorities of my life.
And with this in mind, I have decided to refocus my energies
and to spend less time... with my family.
It is not a decision that I have taken lightly.
I'm proud of everything that I have accomplished during my time here...
wallpapering the study, killing that fox,
that fancy dress party we had when I went dressed as Mr T, that was good.
And finally, I would like to make it absolutely clear
that I am in no way ashamed of the time that I have spent here,
and I will always have the fondest memories of my wife...
Lindsay. Of my wife, Lindsay,
and of our two, beautiful border collies...
Children. Beautiful children.
And I know that they will carry on the good work, in my absence.
So thank you. I will take no further questions at this time.
I'm so glad we made this time together.
Yeah. Me, too.
Kath! Oh, My God,
Kath Williams, is that you?!
Kath Williams 是你嗎
It's me! Jez! Jez Lowthorpe! From Sidwell Comp, 1984 to 1990!
是我 Jez Jez Lowthorpe 西德維爾學校 1984年到1990年
Rosy-Face Jez! Jelly-Knickers Jez! From 4C! Mr Carson's class!
紅臉Jez 燈籠褲Jez 4C班 Carson老師班裏的
Camel-Face Carson! You remember!
'Oompah, oompah, doesn't own a jumper' Jez!
"嗡 嗡 毛衣都沒有的"Jez
Fanny-Face Fiona's friend!
You remember, Fiona the Moaner, eyes like fists!
記得嗎 哼唧鬼Fiona 眼睛像拳頭
Used to go out with Crazy Dan the dwarf
with that one really weird black glove.
Jez, Jez, never wears a Fez! That Jez!
Jez Jez 從不戴土耳其帽子 那個Jez
Not Gypsy Jez with her hair like a horse!
Jesticles the Testicles,
do you remember? That one! Ha ha!
還記得不 就那個啊 哈哈
How long has it been? You look amazing.
Really sorry, I think you've got the wrong person.
Oh, God, my mistake. Sorry to bother you.
哦 天啊 是我的錯 抱歉打擾你們了
Who was that?
That... was Jez.
There's just too much security so unless anyone's got any genius ideas,
we've just got to accept that this bank is unrobable.
I have one that might work.
We set up a small business.
It's lookalike agency, specialises in Russell Crowe.
No. Russell Crowe.
I like it.
Once we have the agency, we put everyone here
on the books as a registered Russell Crowe lookalike.
Once all the paperwork's in,
we rob the bank - broad daylight, no masks.
我們就去搶銀行 光天化日 不加掩飾
When the witnesses are asked who robbed them,
they're all going to say the same thing.
Aren't you the cleaner?
I'm Russell Crowe.
Oh, hiya, Linda, how's it going?
哦 好啊 Linda 怎麼樣
Not really, no.
Friday night, Alison was in one of her moods, like that's news.
週五晚上 Alison又鬧情緒了 一如既往
You haven't met Alison have you? I don't.
I'll tell you what, she hasn't been the same since her nervous breakdown.
Of course, her brother's still staying with us
who, incidentally, is a dick.
You'd think he'd be grateful we were putting him up,
especially after what he's done. He's an animal.
Oh. Then got to bed and the cat had crapped all over the duvet.
哦 接着上♥牀♥之後我就發現 貓在羽絨被上拉了個遍
It hasn't got long now.
And the smoke alarm kept making this noise, "Eeeh, eeeh, eeeh."
還有煙霧報♥警♥器 一直髮出噪音 "噫 噫 噫"
Anyway, on Saturday morning I found a lump on my left nut.
"Ooooh," I thought, "Well, here we go."
"哦" 我想 "該來的都來了"
That's when it all kicked off over the road
and you do not want to know about that.
No, well I...
The noise all starts up,
I go across the road and then two minutes later I find myself
我走過馬路 兩分鐘後 我發現自己
bent over double with my face squashed into this copper's groin.
How was your weekend?
Fine, we jus...
Ah, just stayed in, did ya?
啊 只是待在家裏 對吧
What have we got here, Constable?
White male, late 30s, single wound to the leg.
白人男性 30多歲 唯一的傷口在腿上
Hang on, did you say leg?
Yes, Guv. Single wound to the leg.
是的 長官 唯一的傷口在腿上
We're assuming the wound cut the femoral artery
and he bled to death?
No, Guv. The wound was a cut on the knee.
不 長官 傷口是膝蓋上的
Well, a graze.
Well, how the hell did he die?
Oh, he's not dead.
I'm not dead.
What the fuck... is going on?
Look Guv, the truth is there
hasn't been a murder round here in years.
Me and the lads got together and thought,
if we treat everything more serious than it actually is,
it might make the job more exciting.
Come on, Guv, what's the harm? He doesn't mind.
別這樣 長官 這有什麼壞處 他都不介意
I don't mind.
Come on, then.
So... have we got any idea what the suspect looks like?
Yes, Guv, our best boys put together this photo-fit.
是的 長官 我們最好的警員做出了這個嫌疑畫像
That's not a photo-fit, that's a photo.
It was taken on the log flume at Legoland, a really lovely day.
I came as soon as I heard. Is this the murder victim?
Well, Ma'am, I'm so sorry,
呃 長官 我很抱歉
there's been a bit of a miscommunication.
There is no murder.
Oh, great, that ruins everything.
哦 真棒 把氣氛全毀了
I did try to tell him, Ma'am.